When Perfectionism Looks Like Laziness
High-functioning anxiety makes you look put-together—until perfectionism kicks in, leaving you stuck, overwhelmed, and mistaken for ‘lazy.’
Have you ever watched your child put off their schoolwork until the last minute, avoid starting tasks altogether, or seem completely unmotivated? Maybe they get frustrated before even trying or insist, “I’ll do it later,” only for it to never happen.
At first glance, it might seem like your child is just being lazy. But what if I told you that what looks like a lack of motivation is actually perfectionism in disguise?
Many perfectionists struggle with procrastination, self-doubt, and avoidance because they fear not meeting impossibly high standards. Instead of risking failure, they choose to do nothing at all. If this sounds familiar, here’s what might be going on—and how you can help.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do well—it’s about feeling like anything less than perfect isn’t good enough. While striving for excellence can be healthy, perfectionism is fueled by fear—fear of mistakes, fear of judgment, and fear of failure.
For kids and teens, this pressure can feel overwhelming. Instead of working through their discomfort, they freeze. Not because they don’t care, but because they care too much.
🚨 Perfectionism can show up in different ways:
✔️ The High Achiever – The child who pushes themselves to exhaustion trying to get straight A’s.
✔️ The Overthinker – The child who spends more time worrying about the assignment than actually doing it.
✔️ The Avoider – The child who puts things off or “forgets” to do them out of fear of failure.
If your child tends to procrastinate, avoid challenges, or shut down when things feel hard, perfectionism might be at play.
How Perfectionism Can Look Like Laziness
Most people associate perfectionists with high-achievers, but perfectionism doesn’t always show up as straight A’s and gold stars. Sometimes, it looks like a kid who won’t even try.
Common signs of perfectionism disguised as laziness:
🔹 Procrastination: “I’ll start later” turns into never starting at all.
🔹 Avoidance: Preferring to do nothing rather than risk doing something “wrong.”
🔹 Overthinking: Spending so much time planning or redoing work that they never finish.
🔹 Self-Sabotage: Waiting until the last minute so they have an excuse if it’s not perfect.
Sound familiar? If so, your child may not be lazy—they may be struggling with the fear of not being good enough.
What’s Going on in Their Mind?
If your child is dealing with perfectionism, they may be thinking:
❌ “If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all.”
❌ “If I fail, people will think I’m not smart.”
❌ “I’ll disappoint my parents/teachers if I don’t get it right.”
❌ “What if I try and still don’t feel good enough?”
This mindset leads them to shut down, freeze, or avoid tasks instead of working through their discomfort. It’s not about being lazy—it’s about fearing the outcome so much that they choose not to engage at all.
Learn How To Help Your Teen Manage Their High Functioning Anxiety
If you recognize these patterns in your child, here are some ways you can help:
1️⃣ Normalize Mistakes
Perfectionists see mistakes as proof that they aren’t good enough. Help your child reframe failure as a learning opportunity instead of something to be feared.
✅ Share your own mistakes and how they helped you grow.
✅ Celebrate effort, not just results.
Instead of saying, “Wow, you got a 100!” try: “I love how hard you worked on that.” This teaches them that their value isn’t tied to being perfect.
2️⃣ Set “Good Enough” Goals
Perfectionists often get stuck reworking something endlessly or not starting at all. Teaching them to aim for progress over perfection can help.
✅ Encourage them to submit work at 80% done instead of 100% perfect.
✅ Focus on completion over constant revision.
You might say, “Your job is to finish this, not to make it perfect. Done is better than perfect.”
3️⃣ Challenge All-or-Nothing Thinking
Many perfectionists believe that if something isn’t perfect, it’s a failure.
✅ Help them see the gray area between success and failure.
✅ Point out small wins instead of focusing only on end results.
For example, if they struggle with a project, you can say: “Look at all the work you put into this. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be great.”
4️⃣ Model Self-Compassion
If you struggle with perfectionism yourself, your child is watching. Be open about your mistakes and how you handle them.
✅ Talk through how you handle setbacks in a healthy way.
✅ Show them that it’s okay to mess up and keep going.
For example, if you make a mistake, you might say: “I totally messed that up, but that’s okay! I learned from it, and I’ll do better next time.”
5️⃣ Help Them Take Small Steps
When a child is overwhelmed by a task, it helps to break it down into manageable steps.
✅ If they won’t start an essay, help them just write the first sentence.
✅ If they’re avoiding homework, set a 10-minute timer and have them just begin.
Once they start, the fear often lessens, and they realize it wasn’t as bad as they thought.
Key Takeaways
If your child’s procrastination has you frustrated, take a closer look—are they truly unmotivated, or are they battling perfectionism?
The good news? Perfectionism is a habit, not a personality trait. And with the right support, your child can learn to embrace progress over perfection and take action without the fear of failure holding them back!
💬 Does this sound like your child? Let’s Chat!
